When I Fall in Love Again: A New Study on Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life

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You have a few wrinkles and gray hairs, but you feel more beautiful and alive than ever. The person holding your hand is one of the reasons for that as is the amazing sex you two had this morning. Did I mention you're turning 70 today? Their happiness is your happiness.

Their smile is your smile. And your greatest pleasure comes from giving freely to them. Everything you give each other is received as a gift, and the two of you have grown younger with age. Love is the difference. Love is the greatest gift of all, and it is shared freely and without expectation. True love is found not when it is sought, but when it is shared without reservation or expectation. Are you frustrated with looking? Try falling in love with the gifts you share with the world, and expect nothing in return.

That is the path to finding serendipitous and unconditional love with your soul mate. Have faith. We're born to play. Couples who play together stay together. Exploring together is how we stay bonded to those we love for life. Since we all have an infinite amount of goodness inside, the love of your life will have a lifelong fascination with researching you over and over again.

1. You haven't been looking.

Love is unconditional, right? That isn't sustainable. And since like attracts like, your love will have done the same in preparation for their relationship with you. Each one of us is endowed with special talents we're meant to use in service of the world. When we make the most of our talents, we are on the way to discovering and living our purposes.

If you're living a version of your life that doesn't feel honest to your deepest needs and desires, you'll feel hollow, fraudulent, empty. Life lived that way is deeply dissatisfying and unsustainable. Until you're making the most of your talents, you'll have a tendency to seek fulfillment in other people. If you haven't found them yet, this is the state where you're most likely to do so. When you find the one, they enhance every relationship in your life—your relationships with your parents, siblings, friends, pets—you name it.

They will double your charity, integrity, selflessness, patience, and creativity so that you come closer and have more to offer the ones you love. Toxic relationships that seem good on the surface usually fail this test. In fact, the one meant for you will reflect your flaws so clearly and compassionately that personal growth becomes your number one priority. We can't hope to achieve that if our loves don't mirror our flaws. Love that lasts a lifetime is a slow burn, not an explosion and a fizzle. You may find true love with a person you've known for years.

I explained the study to my university acquaintance. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors.

Where Americans Find Meaning in Life | Pew Research Center

They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony. Let me acknowledge the ways our experiment already fails to line up with the study. First, we were in a bar, not a lab. I Googled Dr.

Finding Joy in the Journey

We spent the next two hours passing my iPhone across the table, alternately posing each question. In what way? To someone else? I grinned and gulped my beer as he listed two more commonalities I then promptly forgot. We explained our relationships with our mothers. I liked learning about myself through my answers, but I liked learning things about him even more. The bar, which was empty when we arrived, had filled up by the time we paused for a bathroom break. I sat alone at our table, aware of my surroundings for the first time in an hour, and wondered if anyone had been listening to our conversation.

We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. Ours was the kind of accelerated intimacy I remembered from summer camp, staying up all night with a new friend, exchanging the details of our short lives. At 13, away from home for the first time, it felt natural to get to know someone quickly. But rarely does adult life present us with such circumstances.

The moments I found most uncomfortable were not when I had to make confessions about myself, but had to venture opinions about my partner. Much of Dr. All relationships—the good ones and the bad ones—have a chart that looks like that, with things in all four of those zones: blue, green, yellow, and red. Because the stakes are so high, you become paranoid about making the wrong choice, and every time you think you might have an answer, you second-guess yourself. The whole thing quickly becomes a mindfuck.

Attract a Specific Person Into Your Life - Bob Proctor

And because the diagram and its four zones allow you to so effortlessly construct whatever convincing narrative you want to about your relationship and The Decision, you worry that anything that feels like conviction is just you falling for a narrative created by fear or ego or some other deep-down motivation. Unable to come to a trustworthy conclusion, the brain person becomes a Paralyzed Pre-Marriage Relationship Person. Until you die, until your partner dies, or until your partner breaks up with you.

Maybe if you wait for a while, your fear of being single at 36 will overpower your dedication to rationality? For example:. An overly-broad, one-size-fits-all litmus test is a bad litmus test. All these litmus tests tell you is that you A feel possessive, B feel attached, and C love the person.


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In most long relationships—good and bad—the people in them feel all three of these things. The only real information you learn with tests like these is that you are, in fact, in a relationship. That has never happened before in our species. Likewise, there are at least a few hundred million people in the world that match your sexual preference. Only one of them is the best possible person for you. Step 1 Find out where your gut is leaning, using thought experiments.

The gut is a real thing.

Share your thoughts and debate the big issues

And for our purposes here, your gut is the little kid in you who just wants one outcome more than the other. Gut people have good practice at communicating with their gut about important decisions. Exercises like these are best designed by you, for you, since only you know you.

But here are some ideas:.


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One kind of thought experiment creates a simulation in your head, which acts like a fishing fly, and our goal is to try to get the gut to be fooled by the simulation for a moment and jump at the bait, revealing what it really wants. Does that feel right? Step 2 Figure out what your deal-breakers are. And yet, certain charts map out happy couples and others do not. Even though these charts show that there are many, many things we want from a relationship, our ability to be happy only depends on a small percentage of them.

Our relationship chart is like a happiness puzzle, and the items in the green and yellow zones are the pieces. Your deal-breakers are the things that, if not part of your relationship, will guarantee your unhappiness. Your must-haves—and your must-not-haves. Most real deal-breakers will be broad—e.

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